Greetings my friends and thank you for taking a moment of your existence to read my update. Unfortunately i have not been able to work on this website for the last six months and it has been a journey for myself just to get back to this point in time where i can now get back to work on Florence Mary’s writings. I ask that you have some patience with my wording and general or possible typo’s. I also say that with a smile. I will explain…..
My world changed forever on the late morning of June the 6th of this year, 2022. After a long winter and a cold Spring that ran into early June, we decided we could finally get up the mountain to scavenge firewood for the upcoming winter. We were a month behind because of the slow seasonal change and we set off early one morning to start gathering our firewood. My son in law was with me and we were eager to get started. 10 miles up Toad Mountain we found our first deadfall tree and we marked our pieces and set about cutting our wood. We got through the first lengths quite easily and we had the beginnings of our first load of firewood. Early June and leftover snow still on the ground around us and a cold wet rain hammered down non stop, aggressively soaking an already drenched forest. We hunkered down and carried on for a bit but the rain made it very slippery. My son in law was about to cut another piece and i went to steady the log. As he began to cut the next piece i noticed he was about to cut through to a rock, so i moved forward to stop him and i went forward and slipped on a wet piece of wood that i hadn’t noticed, that was laying on the ground in front of me and into the blade of the chainsaw i went and in a split second, my right middle finger took the brunt of the chain. I felt the searing burn through my glove and instantly pulled my hand back before he could cut through the whole finger.
This whole scene unfolded in the twinkling of an eye. Ten miles up a mountain road and i could feel warm blood everywhere. So, i looked at him and said, “i’m cut, we have to go now.” I scrambled to the truck and came upon a mound of kleenex and wrapped the finger quickly. My son in law grabbed the duct tape and wrapped the finger into place. James, my son in law, grabbed our gear and threw it into the truck and we were off. The rain hammered down and the road became muddier. I began to go into a trance as i drove and began chanting non comprehensible chantings. He yelled at me to pull over because he thought i was going to faint and that we were going to crash and yet i kept driving. An unseen magnet was pulling me along and i drove us down the mountain and home. I managed to get changed out of my soaking clothes and we went up to the hospital.
Now then, i must clearly admit that for the past 3 years i have avoided doctors and hospitals and all things medical. The “plague upon the land” caused me to steer clear of all of it. I will point out that i broke my right arm in 3 places 2 years ago or so and then the next year i broke my left wrist. I suffered through all of it without any treatment other than what i myself could think of. In other words, i lived with it, my choice. But, when you have been chainsawed and are losing blood and god knows what else, not to mention the curse of being in shock, you go and get it dealt with.
Thankfully, i was immediately seen at our local emergency and a young doctor took great pains to carefully sew up what was left of my finger. He froze my hand and sewed me up. I was to wear a finger cast for six weeks and then see what happens after that. Six hellish weeks went past. I was to see a surgeon in another city who would then recut the finger in order to re – attach my tendon and then decide if plastic surgery was required. Another 6 weeks to 3 months in another cast. I will also point out that i was given nothing for pain. Zero. Also, not only did i have to adjust to my situation but the second doctor who sewed the tendon back together was young and rude and rather uncaring about the whole thing. Because of this, when he stitched my finger back together the second time, he left a bundle of nerve endings on the outside of my finger, causing me unreal pain still to this day if i bump or touch something with my finger. Of course, as if all of this wasn’t enough, the post traumatic stress disorder began to hit almost within hours of this happening and all i could feel was the chainsaw blade tearing up my finger. Daily, constantly, I relived it every time i closed my eyes as well as when my attention was not fixed on anything. Constant searing, burning, helacious cutting, over and over and over like tom toms. Non stop auto replay. I thought for a moment that i might go insane but i decided not to. It is a trap and if you do not deal with it and acknowledge it, it will run your life and ruin your life.
The process of overcoming PTSD is not easy and is a continuum, yet rather than collapse into defeat i decided that i would have to get past this daily, moment by moment, breath by breath, one precious heartbeat at a time. So, i began to make a shift. I had to go from right handed to left handed. No other choices if i wanted to get past this episode. I had to sew a garden in great physical pain with the intention of not transferring the way i was feeling into the seeds, hence the eventual vegetables. To undertake the task at hand and to do it joyfully despite great adversity. This began a process of learning new ways to think and to problem solve. My body had been altered and so i had no choice but to shift how i did everything from the silly to the most complex as well as the mundane. I did not begin to even attempt to hand write anything for months until i received a letter from a wonderful soul whom i had lost contact with for a few years. It took me a while but i went out of my way to write her back. It was a several paged letter and i have not tried to write another letter to her since, but her outreach gave me something to respond to and it created a positive in a sea full of negatives. Never in my lifetime did i figure i would be having to go from right to left to left to right and most times a combination of the two.
Little things like picking up a coffee cup and having the inside handle touch my right finger and the crazy insane pain it causes and then the cup drops or spills. Sometimes, my hand will stop me from doing something that could hurt the finger, but many times it does not and like a child, i learn rather quickly. My choices are limited. Living in Canada, i shovel a lot of snow at this time of year but now i have to adjust to being in temperatures below freezing because my whole finger gets an intense cold burn very quickly because of the exposed nerves, so now i adjust my time and prepare accodingly as best i can. Holding a steering wheel or turning a key now leaves me unable to unclench from the steering wheel until the pain and stiffness stops. Turning a key is now a two handed event.
As of this writing my finger is like a hammer. I have to put a splint on the finger to keep the finger straight. I do have a tiny little bit of tendon use but not enough to straighten the finger without a splint. At this point, having the splint clamp down on my finger is still untenable for short or long periods and so i’m darned if i do or don’t. So, this is where i am at. My ability to do my artwork or practice my craft is gone and any chance at a lucrative business or even holding employment any time soon is just not there anymore. The limitations are endless, pardon the pun.
There have been many times that i have wanted to work on this website over the past 6 months but this situation has taken time. Getting to this point is a good thing. I will say that i have had great teachers in my life who have taught me how to live with what I am dealt with. Florence was an ambassador for how to carry on despite all odds, even to the end. The journey is the adventure, win, lose or draw, it is what it is.
While i have plenty more to tell you, i will, for the moment, stop this writing so that i can post this update.
There are many things i wish to speak about and share while i still have the freedom of speech to speak it. So many changes have come and are coming. Our world is transforming…….and so are we.
Left, Right, Left vs Right, polar opposites, yet within both comes the possibility of true integration.
But that time is not for this very moment. I will be moving forward and sharing and if you are interested then my invitation for you to check back again soon is open ended and given with a sincere heart, a warm smile and an etheric hug. Thank you for being patient.
Warmest regards,
Steven
My share for this week
